Contingency

I've been contemplating a lot about my place and purpose in this world recently. At the height of the pandemic, I had a real emotional breakthrough that was initiated by my departure from my corporate job. I had been with the company for 7 years and dedicated a whole chapter of my life to essentially working towards nothing. Its not that I had been thinking about my legacy or what might leave behind for future children, but I stopped and simply asked myself if I was happy. What I learned was that I couldn't confidently identify how that felt for me and if I ever actually experienced it. What I realized at that moment was that I needed to start taking charge and start manifesting the life I envisioned for myself in my head.

I always pictured myself as a confident, stylish, witty, adventurous and sure woman and when paused to reflect I didn't see her. I realized I had been coping everyday and existing instead of living. I spent about 6 months taking account of who I currently was and who I pictured myself to be. It started with mental health. I needed to process how I had been managing my emotions and come up with a plan of action. I suffered from depression and anxiety for years and only really came to terms with it when I experienced a real feeling of happiness when I left my job. It was as if I could hear and see for the first time. I didn't know what I was missing. I had conversation with my sister and I was able to engage her and respond and react appropriately. I had my first real conversation in what felt like years. The simple act of getting out of a toxic and unfulfilling situation was the catalyst for so much more.

I now viewed myself as more independent and with that independence came resiliency. I could behave, act and react according to me. I started taking on more personal projects, building my body of work and encouraging and uplifting others to do the same. I found myself loving being an advocate for self empowerment and discovery. I realized that I wasn't alone in how I was feeling and others world wide were feeling the tension too. So many of my peers and friends were chiming in on simple Instagram stories I was sharing about how we're participating in this experience we never signed up for. It forced me look at all of my negative behaviors and my overall outlook on life. I started analyzing past traumas and how they shaped me into the person I am.

This breakthrough has given me clarity and peace of mind. I used to be so overly emotional and sensitive and was triggered by so much. I watched my mother struggle and my sister struggle with feelings of inadequacy or judgement. I realized that I can't place blame on others for how I experience life as an adult. There comes a time in our development where we have to take the reigns and make a conscious choice to view our experiences differently. This all goes back to manifestation. If you focus on the negative, simply put, you will have a negative experience. I started implementing better practices among my friends and family and choosing to be patient and empathetic to the fact that they are on their own independent journeys too. I stopped being selfish and started realizing it truly wasn't about me. Its about US. The "us" perspective instead of the "me" perspective truly changes how you can experience life. Once you start to understand that no one will every experience life through the lens that you do, it sort of sets you free.

I am now able to forgive and give space to those who need it. I was also able to set boundaries but maintain relationships. I can only control my mindset and my actions and my behaviors. Being conscious of that allows me to go through life through a more positive filter and a wonderful side effect is that I finally get to experience happiness more frequently now.